I assume it is generally the same for everyone… yet different in each individual’s interpretation. Well that’s at least what I’ve learned from the past two and a half years.
Some people, like me, love with every fiber of their being. That person becomes the center of your world. Priorities change, your interests mesh with theirs, you do everything you possibly can to make them happy and gain their recognition. But maybe that is never enough no matter how much effort you throw into the mix. I have had to succumb to the reality that no matter how much you want that person to reiterate the feelings that you have, if it is not meant to be, it will not be. That fact is one of the hardest realities I have ever had to truly understand. No amount of wishing will ever change fate. I believed with my overwhelming compassion and love, it would somehow seep deeply into his soul and show him what loving each other can be.
To love someone is not to lie to them (unless it is for a beautiful surprise of course). You do not use the words “I love you” to coax someone into comforting you or make yourself feel better in a dark time when you do not mean it. That is one of the most heartbreaking things to experience. Hearing “I love you” (from the person you’ve been head over heels for since the start) after two years can blind you to the hidden tricks and folly that the motive is composed of. You do not use a vulnerable being to your advantage when you are feeling the most unwanted. I am not something. I am someone. Not to be used as a tool to rebuild your pride.
I partially blame myself… I should have known. I should have seen through the bull shit. I should have translated each “I love you”, each “baby”, each “I miss you”, into the truth. Yet, I was vulnerable. What I wanted for so long was finally there at my fingertips and I was too tempted not to say no. No matter how many times he told me that he wasn’t lying… In the end, I didn’t believe him. I didn’t believe for one second that all of the sweet nothings he fed me those final couple months could be the truth after that phone call. If he wasn’t lying, I wouldn’t be writing this post. The constant back and forth between me and other girls should have been red flag #3982… But I ignored every. Single. One. Why? It’s simple. Love.
I have closed that chapter of my life now and have stored it away. Only to be referenced back when another like him stumbles my way. I will never allow myself to be treated that way again. Though I regret nothing, I wish I could’ve saved my pride, self-worth, and confidence from being so badly tarnished for so long. No turning back.
Sorry this post turned into another “ex-rant”… Just felt the need to express my thoughts one last time on the subject.